The Joke Thread

[JGH27]

Figured this'd be something new and fun
Here's a few to start with

"A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

"A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This ...is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"

"Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[SurgePox]

MATH JOKE

Three statisticians go hunting in the woods for wild turkey. After an hour of searching, the group encounters a nice fat turkey. The first statistician takes aim, and fires, but missed his shot by 1 foot to the left. The second statistician takes aim, fires, but misses by 1 foot to the right. Seeing this, the third statistician proclaims "Great shooting, you nailed it!"

LOLOLOLOL

[xXkawai_baka_420Xx]

this thread is hilarious

cue hilarious face

[smashbro]

I love math jokes. School lies. They say that if you study, then you pass. Don't study, and you fail.
Here's a proof why Study = Fail.

No Study = Fail
+ _Study = Fail
No Study + Study = no Fail + Fail
(No + 1) Study = (No + 1) Fail

.'. Study = Fail

[JGH27]

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Bud Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95..

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started……


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary.. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds..

I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started…..



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And that’s how the fight started…..

[smashbro]

So a doctor calls his patient and says, "I've got some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is you've got 24 hours to live."
The patient says, "May God! What's the worse news?"
The Doctor replies, "I forgot to call you yesterday."


Two buds are out deer hunting and one of them looks through his scope and says, "Oh my God. I can see you're house from here and your wife is cheating on you with another guy!"
His buddy replies, "That bitch, I've had it with her! Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the private parts."
His buddy goes, "I can get that in one shot."

[Serras-Kai]

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.
Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci."

Good joke.
Everybody laugh.
Roll on snare drum.
Curtains.
Fade to black.

[Ansem]

there are 10 kinds of people on this planet
those who understand binairy code, and those who dont.

[Bugman]

Nice, Ansem.

So it's a girl falling in love with a shinny-vegetarian vampire and... "

[DarkFalco]

a blond just texted me and asked, "what does IDK stand for?" i said "i don't know" she said "OMG NO ONE DOES!"

a redhead tells her blonde sister that she slept with a 'brazilian' man and the blonde says "OMG! U SLUT! how many is a brazilian?"

random cell phone texts i have received lol

[Blue Madness]

a redhead tells her blonde sister that she slept with a 'brazilian' man and the blonde says "OMG! U SLUT! how many is a brazilian?"

Funny. I'd be more than happy to teach the blonde in this joke just how many is a brazilian.

[SurgePox]

There are 10 kinds of people on this planet
Those who understand trinary, those who don't, and those who think I just messed up a binary joke.

[Warchamp7]

There are 10 kinds of people on this planet
Those who understand trinary, those who don't, and those who think I just messed up a binary joke.

Surge is my hero.

[TheTJ]

I... am one of the latter kind.

uhhhh.....

A small mushroom walked up to a woman at a bar. He said "Hey, how about you and me go somewhere." Or something like that. She replied that she doesn't date mushrooms and he said "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

I'm very sorry for the pun.

[JGH27]

lol 1 pick up line I used to hear on the radio was "I'm no Flintstone, but I'll make your bedrock"

Tere's 3 types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't