The Joke Thread

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The Joke Thread

Post  JGH27 on Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:01 am

Figured this'd be something new and fun
Here's a few to start with

"A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

"A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This ...is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"

"Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"


Last edited by JGH27 on Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:25 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : Forgot half a joke :oops:)

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  SurgePox on Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:05 am

MATH JOKE

Three statisticians go hunting in the woods for wild turkey. After an hour of searching, the group encounters a nice fat turkey. The first statistician takes aim, and fires, but missed his shot by 1 foot to the left. The second statistician takes aim, fires, but misses by 1 foot to the right. Seeing this, the third statistician proclaims "Great shooting, you nailed it!"

LOLOLOLOL

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  xXkawai_baka_420Xx on Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:09 am

this thread is hilarious

cue hilarious face

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Smashy B on Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:18 am

I love math jokes. School lies. They say that if you study, then you pass. Don't study, and you fail.
Here's a proof why Study = Fail.

No Study = Fail
+ _Study = Fail
No Study + Study = no Fail + Fail
(No + 1) Study = (No + 1) Fail

.'. Study = Fail

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  JGH27 on Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:27 am

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Bud Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95..

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started……


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary.. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds..

I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started…..



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And that’s how the fight started…..

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Smashy B on Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:38 am

So a doctor calls his patient and says, "I've got some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is you've got 24 hours to live."
The patient says, "May God! What's the worse news?"
The Doctor replies, "I forgot to call you yesterday."


Two buds are out deer hunting and one of them looks through his scope and says, "Oh my God. I can see you're house from here and your wife is cheating on you with another guy!"
His buddy replies, "That bitch, I've had it with her! Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the private parts."
His buddy goes, "I can get that in one shot."

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Serras-Kai on Tue Feb 09, 2010 1:14 am

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.
Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci."

Good joke.
Everybody laugh.
Roll on snare drum.
Curtains.
Fade to black.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Ansem on Tue Feb 09, 2010 5:58 am

there are 10 kinds of people on this planet
those who understand binairy code, and those who dont.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Bugman on Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:46 am

Nice, Ansem.

So it's a girl falling in love with a shinny-vegetarian vampire and... "

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  DarkFalco on Tue Feb 09, 2010 7:37 am

a blond just texted me and asked, "what does IDK stand for?" i said "i don't know" she said "OMG NO ONE DOES!"

a redhead tells her blonde sister that she slept with a 'brazilian' man and the blonde says "OMG! U SLUT! how many is a brazilian?"

random cell phone texts i have received lol

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Blue Madness on Tue Feb 09, 2010 8:57 am

DarkFalco wrote:a redhead tells her blonde sister that she slept with a 'brazilian' man and the blonde says "OMG! U SLUT! how many is a brazilian?"
Funny. I'd be more than happy to teach the blonde in this joke just how many is a brazilian.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  SurgePox on Tue Feb 09, 2010 9:43 am

There are 10 kinds of people on this planet
Those who understand trinary, those who don't, and those who think I just messed up a binary joke.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Warchamp7 on Tue Feb 09, 2010 9:49 am

SurgePox wrote:There are 10 kinds of people on this planet
Those who understand trinary, those who don't, and those who think I just messed up a binary joke.

Surge is my hero.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  TheTJ on Tue Feb 09, 2010 9:50 am

I... am one of the latter kind.

uhhhh.....

A small mushroom walked up to a woman at a bar. He said "Hey, how about you and me go somewhere." Or something like that. She replied that she doesn't date mushrooms and he said "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

I'm very sorry for the pun.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  JGH27 on Tue Feb 09, 2010 11:44 am

lol 1 pick up line I used to hear on the radio was "I'm no Flintstone, but I'll make your bedrock"

Tere's 3 types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Minby_Aran on Tue Feb 09, 2010 5:17 pm

So little Billy was in class, and school was almost over. The teacher said whoever answered her questions could leave first. First she asked who the first president was, Billy raised his hand, but a little girl answered "George Washington" and was allowed to leave early. She then asked who the sixteenth president was. Again, Billy raised his hand, but another girl answered "Abraham Lincoln" and was allowed to go. Then the teacher asked how many states there were. Once again, Billy raised his hand, but a third little girl answered "Fifty" and was allowed to go. When the teacher turned around to write the next question on the board, Billy said "Why can't all these bitches shut up?" The teacher turned around and asked "Who said that?" Billy raised his hand and said "Tiger Woods, can I go now?"


Last edited by Minby_Aran on Wed Feb 10, 2010 10:49 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  TheTJ on Tue Feb 09, 2010 5:48 pm

Q: What did the Baker concerned with during inventory?
A: The Count of Monte Cristos

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Minby_Aran on Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:07 pm

TheTJ wrote:Q: What did the Baker concerned with during inventory?
A: The Count of Monte Cristos
LMAO. I bet less than 5 people on here have actually read the book though.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  JGH27 on Tue Feb 09, 2010 11:42 pm

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Smashy B on Wed Feb 10, 2010 12:06 am

Never have I seen so many terrible and witty music theory puns. Bravo, J.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  xXkawai_baka_420Xx on Wed Feb 10, 2010 12:19 am

Oh dear.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Ansem on Wed Feb 10, 2010 12:34 am

that is epic...

am i a nerd for understanding every single joke in there

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  DarkFalco on Wed Feb 10, 2010 7:47 am

Ansem wrote:that is epic...

am i a nerd for understanding every single joke in there
as am i....as am i....that was pretty awesome

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  TheTJ on Wed Feb 10, 2010 9:17 pm

There were two women going to see a horror movie together, a blond and a redhead. At one point during the movie, the protagonist approaches a long flight of stairs with a door at the top.
At this point the blonde nudges her friend and says "I'll bet you 20 dollars that she doesn't go in."
The redhead smiles and says "Alright, deal."
Sure enough, the protagonist goes up the stairs and through the door to her demise. When the blonde pulls out a $20 the redhead stops her saying "No no, it's not fair. I've seen this movie already and knew what would happen."
The blonde then says "I've seen this before too, I just didn't think she'd be stupid enough to do it twice!"

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Hans on Thu Feb 11, 2010 3:34 am

I have so many jokes, but they are all racist and/or vulgar.

Ansem wrote:there are 10 kinds of people on this planet
those who understand binairy code, and those who dont.

I see what you did thar.

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Re: The Joke Thread

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