The Joke Thread

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Smashy B on Thu Feb 11, 2010 2:48 pm

Have you guys tried the new donkey burger? You'll say it tastes like ass.
http://instantrimshot.com/

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Avalanche on Thu Feb 11, 2010 2:57 pm

how do you find a blind man on a nudist beach? It aint hard

yes Im terrible.....

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  SnakeInABox on Thu Feb 11, 2010 5:39 pm

Oh ho ho, I get it, its cause his penis wasnt working.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  xXkawai_baka_420Xx on Thu Feb 11, 2010 10:00 pm

lolface.jpg

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Relmitos on Sat Feb 13, 2010 6:37 pm

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make it laugh, they win the money. If not, they owe him 100 dollars.

The man says "I can do it!"

So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.

About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.

The bartender looks at the man and says "ever since you made my donkey laugh, he won't stop! If you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars." The man says "ok I'll do it"

He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes go by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?"

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well, the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger dick then he did".

"How did you make him cry?" asked the bartender.

"Well, I showed him."

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  JGH27 on Sat Feb 13, 2010 6:44 pm

Relm, that's a classic

So a guys about to get married and is worried so he talks to his buddy and asks him for advice.
"How do I know on our honeymoon if she's a virgin or not?"

His buddy ponders a moment and replies Well you'll need a can of blue paint, red paint and shovel"

"What would I need those for?" He asks

"Simple, you paint 1 ball blue and 1 red. If she says 'those are the funniest balls I've ever seen' you bash her in the face with the shovel"

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Relmitos on Sat Feb 13, 2010 6:46 pm

Well? Maybe so, but no one's posted it and it's still good for some laughs. laughed at that one you posted, as well

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  JGH27 on Sat Feb 13, 2010 6:51 pm

Relmitos wrote:Well? Maybe so, but no one's posted it and it's still good for some laughs. laughed at that one you posted, as well

Oh, I wasn't saying it as a bad thing, I forgot how it went actually so thanks for posting lol.

So 3 Vampires walk into a bar.

First orders a pint of blood, so the bar tender serves it up
Second orders the same and bar tender gets it.
The third ask for a mug of hot water. Confused the bar tender asks "Are you sure you don't wanna pint like the others?"
Third says "No, I'm in the mood for tea" and pulls out a used tampon

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  JGH27 on Sun Feb 14, 2010 12:49 pm

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."



Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Hans on Tue Feb 16, 2010 12:04 am

Why do Queenslanders call their beer XXXX?

They can't spell beer.


Hooray for crappy jokes!

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Gato on Tue Feb 16, 2010 11:27 pm

A kindergarten teacher was reading the story of the three pigs to her class. When she got to the part of the pigs buying materials for their respective houses, she stopped and asked the class : "Now, what do you think the the merchant said when the pig asked to buy his straw?" A young boy rose his hand and was called on, he promptly responded "Holy Shit! A talking pig!"

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Hans on Fri Feb 19, 2010 2:53 pm

A bloke was sitting in a bar, late at night, finishing his last beer. He gets up to leave, and falls flat on his face. Thinking the fresh air outside the pub would sober him up, he crawls his way to the front door, opens it, tries to stand up again, and falls flat on his face. So he crawls, all the way back to his house, reaches the front door, again, tries to stand up, and again, falls flat on his face. So he crawls his way up the stairs, through the bedroom door, and into bed, where he promptly passes out. A few minutes later his wife walks in and shakes him awake. "So. You've been up all night drinking again have you?" barely awake, the man responds, "How did you know?" to which his wife replies, "Well, the pub just called, and they said you left your wheelchair behind again.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Gato on Fri Feb 19, 2010 5:32 pm

This one's kinda....well if it offends someone too bad.

A man was walking into a building, when he slipped and fell on some ice. Once he got back up, he noticed that his wallet and car keys were missing.

"Damn, must've been black ice." he said.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Minby_Aran on Fri Feb 19, 2010 6:16 pm

I've got a worse one, racially.
I can't be racist. Racism is a crime, and crime is only for black people.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Hans on Sat Feb 20, 2010 12:26 am

MOAR RACISM! Seriously, the funniest jokes are vulgar and/or racist.

There are only 3 things I hate. Swearing, racism, and the fucking fanciful gentleman down the street.

That has got to be the best censor for the n word I have ever seen.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Gato on Sat Feb 20, 2010 3:42 pm

Haha!

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  JGH27 on Sat Feb 20, 2010 3:44 pm

Hans wrote:MOAR RACISM! Seriously, the funniest jokes are vulgar and/or racist.

There are only 3 things I hate. Swearing, racism, and the fucking fanciful gentleman down the street.

That has got to be the best censor for the n word I have ever seen.

"There's only things I hate. People who are intolerate of others backgrounds and Italians"

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Avalanche on Sat Feb 20, 2010 3:49 pm

thought the original line was: "people who are ignorant, of other people's feelings.......and the dutch"

oow well. Moar Racism

what do you call a black guy in a dark cave?

Spoiler:
flying teeth

what do black people think on a....zebra (you know, on the street)

Spoiler:
they see me, they dont see me, they see me, they dont see me

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Gato on Sat Feb 20, 2010 6:58 pm

Invisible?

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Thwompman64 (Goombill) on Sun Feb 28, 2010 7:54 am

These are some funny sticker quotes on the ThinkGeek website.

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."
"I don't know what you're problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
"Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bullshit before."
"Math illiteracy affects 8 out of every 5 people."
"You know you're an engineer if you have no life and can prove it mathematically."
"I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you."
"90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at."
"Dain Bramaged."
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?"
"ERROR: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue."
"The world is coming to an end. Please log off."
"The box said to install Windows 95 or better, so I installed Linux."
"Press any key...no, no no, not that one!"
"Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive."
"The universe is a figment of its own imagination."
"The ozone layer or cheese in a spray can. Don't make me choose."

And my personal favorite:
"When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you."

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Blue Madness on Sun Feb 28, 2010 8:09 am

I thought this thread was for jokes.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Smashy B on Sun Feb 28, 2010 8:16 am

Blue Madness wrote:I thought this thread was for jokes.
lol

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Thwompman64 (Goombill) on Sun Feb 28, 2010 8:21 am

They ARE jokes. They're just made short, sweet, and to the point.

I know the other ones aren't as funny. But the last one HAS to be!

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Blue Madness on Sun Feb 28, 2010 8:22 am

Hmmmmmnnnnno.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Fox on Sun Feb 28, 2010 2:09 pm

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks...

Now then, time to get deducted karma points! (Jokes, quips, and anecdotes not guaranteed to not offend)

Conversation between my parents
Mom: ...Yeah, the drive-thru doesn't talk. They have a sign that says "don't worry, we can hear you", and your order appears on the screen.

Dad: So, they don't talk to you at all?

Mom: Nope.

Dad (after thinking for a bit): Wait, what if a blind person's using it?

Mom: If a blind person's driving, then a silent drive-thru is the least of our worries.


Conversation excerpts between me and my gf
1:Jackie: Sometimes I think I've got ADD

Me: Why do you say that?

Jackie: Becau- Hey, this pillow has a zipper!


2:(We were watching Sydney White at the time)Me: So, instead of midgets, she hangs out with the 'geeks'?

Jackie: I guess so.

Me: I don't see why they couldn't have just got some midget actors. I doubt they're in short supply.


Now for some jokes:

Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection
A: Quarter pounder with cheese.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. They can't change shit.

Q: What's an activity that 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
A: Gang rape.

A man goes into a diner and reads a sign that says;

Turkey Sandwich - $2.00
Ham Sandwich - $2.50
Hand jobs - $5.00

He looks at a waitress and asks "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" She smiled and said "Why, yes I am!" The man replied "Well then, WASH YOUR HANDS. I want a ham sandwich."

An American, a Chinese guy, and a Mexican are all on a cargo plane, exporting goods to their respective countries. As the plane is flying, they notice that they're rapidly descending. The pilot says over the intercom, "We need to get rid of some excess weight, or else we're gonna crash. Each of you grab the one thing that your country has an overabundance of, and throw it out of the plane". So, the Chinese guy grabs a crate of rice, "We've got a lot of this in my country", he says, and tosses it out of the plane. The Mexican guy grabs a crate of beans, "We've got a lot of these in my country", he says, and tosses the crate out of the plane. Finally the American guy looks around the cabin, picks up the Mexican guy, throws him out the door, and says, "We've got a lot of these in my country".

Two kids are bored at home one day, so they decide to play countries. They designate each room as a different country. They decide that the kitchen will be China, the family room will be America, and the bedroom will be Russia. Then one of the kids asks "So, if you're Chinese in the kitchen, American in the family room, and Russian in the bedroom, what are you in the bathroom?", to which the other kid responds, "European".

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Re: The Joke Thread

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