Fade (The Book I'm working on)

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Fade (The Book I'm working on)

Post  Requiem on Fri Nov 19, 2010 9:02 am

Yeah, this is my first draft, wrote it in like half an hour, so be easy, but still let me know what you think please!
I have a lot of editing to do as I haven't touched this in months, but here's what I have...
Note: There were a few more pages, and it had been cleaned up before, but my antique laptop I'd been using crashed and I lost all of my work short of what I have here, and I sort of lost the ambition, but I decided to try and start it up again.



Fade


Prologue


A single quiet tick. Almost inaudible. Again, the ticking noise. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. That was all the noise that could be heard in the room. Not even the man's shallow breathing was audible, just the ticking from the old standing grandfather clock. Tick. Tock. The seconds hand moved again. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. The minute hand moved forward a pace. Midnight. The chime echoed off from inside the clock. The deep chime, reverberating off of everything within the room. Once, twice, three times. The chimes continued with the echoing force that they started with. The man stirred, almost an imperceptible movement. His hand twitching slightly, along with the sound of the chime. Six, seven, eight times now the clock chimed. The man's eyes opened slowly, taking in his surroundings. The room was bare, a single table sat in front of him, wooden. A glass of tea on the table, the tea bag on a small ceramic plate next to it. The chair he was sitting in was also wooden, oak, perfectly cut, completely balanced. The walls likewise were bare. No windows, and only one door. The only object of any interest was the clock. It was a tall clock, dark brown wood, with bronze metalwork. Ten, eleven, twelve times the chimes rung out. Upon the final chime, the man stood up, his bones creaking with age. He walked over to the clock, reached down, and began winding it again. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. The old man smiled. "Tick. Tock." He replied to the machine as he walked over to the door. The old man opened the door, and stepped outside. Tick. Tock.



Chapter One



Three men stood by the building, each dressed the same, a white suit, black tie, and a 9mm pistol. Personal protection. That's what they referred to themselves as. They were truly just hired guns. Their current employer was inside, a young kid, in his early twenties by their guess, though they'd never ask, it wasn't part of their job. All they knew was that he was to pick up a shipment of some sort, and he wasn't sure if he'd come up against any trouble. They knew that they could have been hired by the mafia, or some up and coming gangster, but that didn't really matter to them. All that mattered was that the pay was good.

Their employer was in truth, the son of one of the most well renowned hitmen in the business. Twenty-three years of age, the man had already acquired a very strong reputation for himself as one of the most proficient assassins in the world. After his father's death, the man inherited a large fortune though, and decided that he didn't need to do the work that he did, and turned his attention to other details. One of them was with antiques. He'd heard about the clock long ago, supposedly it was hundreds of years old, the first mechanical clock in history, and it was supposed to have some sort of magickal powers. Looking at the clock, the young man smiled. It was indeed old, and considering how little he had to spend to aquire it, he was quite satisfied. He turned to face the person from whom he had bought the clock, smiled, bowed his head slightly, and walked back out to the men. "Go inside, and bring it out to the truck." He told them. His voice was cool and calm, no traces of his excitement could be found, but excited he was.

He thought back to the man he had made the deal with "Only a thousand dollars, that's all it will cost you". That was what the voice on the phone had said. "A thousand dollars and you could have one of the most powerful artifacts in the world". The idea had intrigued him, "Who is this?" He had asked "How did you get this number?" He had been unlisted, and rarely gave his number out to anybody. Most people who had hired him had other means of communicating, and he rarely spoke to his employers face to face.

"We have our resources, Mr. Mortalis." The voice had said "And as for your other question, we are who we are, and currently, we are offering you the deal of a lifetime."

There was something about the voice that unnerved him, made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, still, if they had the resources to find him, and contact him in person, maybe it was worth looking into. "Ok, you've got my attention, what are you offering?" He asked.

"A clock Mr. Mortalis, the first mechanical clock ever made. Crafted by the hands of the Ancients, perfect in all of it's design." The voice paused, as though trying to decide whether to go forward with it's offer "Furthermore, if one can solve it's riddle, it is said that one can reach untold secrets."

The man thought about this for a moment, trying to decide what to do. Honestly the voice creeped him out, but it seemed to hold the truth. He sighed "Where do you want to meet, and when?" He asked.

"Tonight, midnight, warehouse seven, bring the money." The voice told him. After that there was a sharp click, followed by silence.

Here he was now, with three highly trained hired guns, at the same warehouse as specified. Nothing had happened and the man now had an antique clock being loaded into his truck, being prepared for the trip back to his home. Smiling, the man climbed inside the back seat of his limo, and told the driver to take him back home.

Requiem
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Re: Fade (The Book I'm working on)

Post  Raya on Sat Nov 20, 2010 5:18 am

Personally I think this shows some promise.

The sentence structure seems a little awkward; it doesn't flow particularly well. It's quite appropriate in the prologue as it matches the beat of the clock, but outside that it seems a little jarring and doesn't suit the mood. I think you need to juggle round the punctuation and make them less short and sharp, a bit more descriptive. Giving us some hints as to who the main character is, something to draw us in and make us interested in him, and wanting to find out the mystery of the clock.

You've got a good kernel of an idea here though, so with a bit more polish this should end up rather interesting indeed.

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Re: Fade (The Book I'm working on)

Post  Requiem on Sat Nov 20, 2010 7:58 am

Yeah, I had that brought up before actually, and I did edit it before my laptop crashed, just lost my alterations on it is all. I intend to rewrite it, make it a little less sharp, and take out some of the 'he said' 'she said' things as well, but I appreciate you telling me your oppinion

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Re: Fade (The Book I'm working on)

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