We all know where you've been, you military fairy

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We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Spontaneous Combustion on Sat Jan 21, 2012 10:56 am

Let's put it this way. The last two weeks have been a bit busy.

I serve the Finnish military now. I've been running through forests of frozen hell looking like a skinhead for two weeks now. If you've been active on the forum lately, you probably knew that already. And I will serve the Finnish military for a long, long time now. The minimum service time for Finnish men is half an year, but in reality most of us have to endure an entire year for democracy, the church, the people, the nation and shit.

Yes, Finland's biggest enemy is Sweden.
No, the Swedish army hasn't gone to war for 2 hundred years.
Yes, I could be doing more valuable things with my life right now.
No, that shit will not do, because you will god damn wrap that piece of shit assault rifle from the the 60s on your shoulder and you will god damn clean it of pea soup stains. And you will god damn like it.

However, when you're in, there's not much you can do about it. Whining won't do anything. There are people in the world who fight in actual wars this very day. I have no right to complain.
And neither can I just passively wait for the one or two days in two weeks I can rest. If military really teaches you something, it's that you have to live in this moment and this moment only. Time will not pass if you're just waiting it to pass. Every moment is important. Even the shitty ones.
Actually, especially the shitty ones, because those teach you most. You can't wait for time to pass, however bad things might be. You will show that stain of pea soup who is the bitch. And trust me, you will god damn like it.

This topic will serve as a sort of a blog on my service time. I'm doing this partially to keep in touch with you crazy foreign internet friend types, and partially to keep my writing hand working. I hope you find my shenaningans amusing. And even if you don't, you can at least chuckle maliciously at the crazy European medicine man and his pea soup peril.

I'm going to summarize each week roughly, going day by day. Later on my heavily procrastinative larval form will probably burst out of a proverbial cocoon as a fully grown lazy bastard butterfly and I will ditch the daily reports completely. I am sort of like that. Try to act surprised.

After a refreshing bus trip of six hours and with exactly two hours of night's sleep and an oil truck full of coffee I stepped through the military gates. They abruptly closed behind me with a guillotine-like clang. As I was informed that there will be no going through that gate until I get an official military passport (and that is in two weeks), I tried to pretend that the gates don't remind me of Auschwitz.
The barracks are cold. The food is colder. We were rather quickly ripped out of our civilian clothes and stuffed inside uniforms two sizes too small. On the first day there was no actual military service but we were informed that waking up tomorrow would be hell.

It wasn't. When we were woken up at 5:30, I was the only one in our room who didn't utter a single swear word, and I had no trouble running around the barracks gathering our equipment and doing whatever our corporals say. It frightens me how quickly I adjusted into military discipline. I am starting to think there was something in the food. Post-hypnotic suggestion may be an alternate explanation.
If by the end of all of this my personal notes consist mainly of "heil Hitler" written with my own blood, someone needs to test this theory.

And speaking of the food, military food is starting to improve gradually. I'm starting to appreciate the fact that at least the coffee is decent. And the doughnuts are good.
It's also possible that I'm so hungry that everything is delicious now.

All in all, I'm surviving. Yes, I'm freezing my balls off every day. Yes, our room smells really manly. And by manly I mean the stench of dead rats.
Yes, we did totally spend the entire Tuesday marching through frozen forests carrying heavy backpacks in Winter War -like darkness. Yes, I saw something that was quite likely a frozen moose. Yes, our First Lieutenant has the eyes of Josef Mengele and the face of Skeletor.

But afterwards I have to say that it isn't completely bad. I'm gaining lots of new friends (mutual suffering brings people closer, I guess) and if we keep on this kind of pace, I'll be in top condition when this is all over. And yes, there are the shit things. But I have an impenetrable shield of irony to protect me from everything. Life is easier when you can even laugh at total crap.

That is all. More to come later on.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  nn8n on Sat Jan 21, 2012 11:11 am

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts, and I'm sure you'll be fine in the end.

I personally went into the Navy so that I wouldn't ever have to be 'forced' to serve in anything against my will. It definitely puts perspective on things but kinda a waste at the same time.

Keep your chin up and am looking forward to seeing how the updates come along!

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Sahrimnir on Sat Jan 21, 2012 11:33 am

Spontaneous Combustion wrote:Yes, Finland's biggest enemy is Sweden.
I was not aware of this fact.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  TheTJ on Sat Jan 21, 2012 11:41 am

I didn't know Sweden was anyone's enemy, I thought they were like the neutral planet.

Anyway, I hope it goes well.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Perry on Sat Jan 21, 2012 11:59 am

That was switzerland, TJ Razz

And I think I might have just found my new favourite thread of the forum. God speed to you, Spont

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Smashy B on Sat Jan 21, 2012 1:33 pm

When I read the OP, the voice in my head was that of the narrator for Fight Club.

Good to hear from you, bro.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Raya on Sun Jan 22, 2012 1:51 pm

Sæhrímnir wrote:
Spontaneous Combustion wrote:Yes, Finland's biggest enemy is Sweden.
I was not aware of this fact.

They don't want you to know.

Good to hear from you Spont. I hope things are...tolerable for you. Keep us posted on how you're doing!

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King Avalanche:
Spoiler:

FUCK YOU RAYA.

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

AND

FUUUUUUCKKKKK YOOOOOUUUUU

the one time I trust you with my back and you plant a dagger in it.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Quaetam on Tue Mar 06, 2012 12:21 am

Dunno when you're gonna get this Spont, just wondered how you've been doing. We miss you here, man, you're in our thoughts. Hope life and the military are treating you well.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Spontaneous Combustion on Sat Mar 10, 2012 1:47 am

Hi guys.

I was stuck on the barracks for an entire goddamn month.

Details and a narrative of military bullshit will be coming.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  roxas on Thu Apr 19, 2012 11:34 am

I am so excited to read your narrative. Lol

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Quaetam on Thu Apr 19, 2012 11:19 pm

I'd love to hear what Spont's been up to. Either way, it's been a month now, so he's probably on barracks or something. Hopefully he'll get back to us soon.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  roxas on Fri Apr 20, 2012 12:30 am

I would just like to talk to him. Seems like a cool dude.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  SnakeInABox on Fri Apr 20, 2012 8:27 am

Oh fuck yea. I miss Spont, I hope we get an update soon.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Spontaneous Combustion on Mon Apr 30, 2012 10:54 am

Yeah, hey.

I am alive. Sorry for no updates. I'll promise to get on this weekend and bring you all up to speed. I totally need to jump on Skype with you guys or something.

To put it simple, this silly facility apparently thinks I need to be trained to become a medical sergeant.

Make all the medicine fucking jokes you want.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Relmitos on Mon Apr 30, 2012 11:33 am

Like a boss Spont. Just hang in there, you've got this under control. Looking forward to a nice, big story.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  DRTJR on Mon Apr 30, 2012 11:39 am

So are going to be the star of Finnish M.A.S.H. because I'd watch that.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Raya on Mon Apr 30, 2012 1:50 pm

I wish I had some musical remixing ability, I'd replace the word beat with Spont for an appropriate theme song.

Glad to hear from you again, looking forward to your tales of adventure!

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King Avalanche:
Spoiler:

FUCK YOU RAYA.

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

AND

FUUUUUUCKKKKK YOOOOOUUUUU

the one time I trust you with my back and you plant a dagger in it.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  SnakeInABox on Tue May 01, 2012 7:44 am

Spont you know medicine is just about the most perfect thing for you.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Ansem on Tue May 01, 2012 11:03 am

Now you'll get to screw with other peoples medicine!

Also, now that you'll have access to medical supplies, would you mind shipping some things to me? I know a few things i could use.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Spontaneous Combustion on Sat May 05, 2012 6:07 am

So it's clear now. I'll be here for the entirety of the year 2012. And if that wasn't enough, four days in 2013.
I went through some really deep self inspection and some really harsh swear words when I got to know this. Apparently I was too good at this military business so they decided that I'm going to be one of the lucky few who get the training of a non-commissioned officer. By the end of all of this I'm going to be Sergeant Spont. Medical sergeant, which basically means that in the event of war, I'd be leading a team of six or eight medics.
Thinking positively, that's not all bad. If I ever want to get a job instead of just procrastinating and watching superhero movies, it's not actually hurting my CV if I have field training in working as a leader. And if I have army-level training in first aid and health care, that's probably even better.

Also, when the next bunch of conscripts arrives this summer, I'll be the one giving the orders.
I pity these kids already. I really do.

As for how things are going now, I'm used to military life now and while I'd still rather be home playing Nintendo and eating kebab, me and military life have reached a level of mutual understanding where the military doesn't try to oppress my basic human rights and I, as a result, don't try to destroy the barracks with napalm.
Yes, I have been trained in the making of napalm. I'd like to know which one of the higher-ups thought this was a good idea in any way.

The worst thing about this shithole is really how it seals everything else out. I know jack shit about what happens to the real world, or worse, to some of my closest friends. The brigade is a world of its own. I basically know that Finland has a new president and that there's a new baby in the Swedish royal family and ohmygod she's the cutest little princess and ohmygod her feet are so tiny. Also, this baby had a name but I forgot.
As for actual information, I do not know anything. You could tell me that a new Metroid is coming this summer, and I would believe you. You could tell me that Vladimir Putin just turned out to be a vampire, and I would believe you. These days I spend my few holidays absorbing information like a sponge. Oh, and watching movies, because the year I go to the army absolutely had to be the best movie year since 2009.

I'd like to take a little time to tell you guys a story about the hardest experience I've had in my service time so far. This happened few months ago, but it's still one of the toughest things I've done in my entire life. For me and my squad it was the worst goddamn thing in a good long list of bad goddamn things, but I hope you can get a chuckle or two out of it.

Before it was clear that I'd become a medical sub-officer, my training branch was communications. Like everything in the army, this sounds a lot sexier than it really is. It doesn't mean we get to sit in a safe command room somewhere and play with cool high-tech radio software, ohhhh noooo. Firstly, that kind of technology doesn't work when a real war hits. Our equipment is designed to work in nuclear wars.

Basically that means that there is no wireless communication.

Every.
Fucking.
Thing.
Is wired.

Someone has to pull those cables from the command centers to the battlefield. Someone like, oh hey, a squad of fresh young men on skis.
This was The Night Of The Cables, and it's one of the toughtest things modern Finnish military can offer. It's not called "Night" because it takes one night. It's called that because we begin at morning and stop the operation at night. The next night.
The two days we spent doing this were cold. I'm not talking about the sort of cold that makes you get a little warmer coat. I'm talking about the sort of cold where your bottle of water freezes so you can't drink, your skis freeze to the ground so you can't move, your eyelids freeze so you can't blink and the air freezes so the bullets don't fly. We're talking about the goddamn Winter War here, friends.

The task was to pull approximately ten kilometers of cable to a target location, to check if it works and to gather the cables. If the connection didn't work, we had to fix it. There was no time for sleeping and very little time for eating.

And if this wasn't enough, of course there had to be opposition. Of course we couldn't be alone. Oh no.

There are guys called teleguerrillas. Basically these guys are sergeants in rank. They are special forces trained in surprise guerrilla attacks, recon and sabotage, and they are one of the few things in modern Finnish army that reminds that we once basically won the Winter War. These guys can move undetected in the forests for hours. They don't need to eat. They don't need to sleep. And they don't need to talk to each other to communicate.
You do know what Morse code is, right? These goddamn ninjas fucking knock on trees to communicate. If Finland ever has to go to war again, I'd rather just trust it to these guys. They eat terror and shit death. I'm not even kidding here.

The best thing is that during the Night Of The Cables, they were our enemies. They kept on sabotaging our connections and attacking us in the night, only to disappear with a bunch of smoke grenades. All of this would have been actually pretty cool, if it hadn't been so horrible.

But we did it. We kicked their ass. We got that connection working and gathered those cables. The feeling of achievement I got when I survived through that horrifying shit is one of the most satisfying things I have ever done. It was rough, but I made it.
What doesn't kill you can truly make you stronger, I guess. Or it'll just kill you later on, but that is yet to be seen.

I've been in this facility now for four months. And I have eight left. It's going to be a hard time, but if I just stopped it now I'd probably feel like a quitter. I don't do things halfway through. I want to serve those full 12 months and then never even spit at this facility.
So bring it on, bitches.

Bring it on.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Ansem on Sat May 05, 2012 8:04 am

Spont, you've officially made it into my Zombie apocalypse team.

I'm proud of you, and we're with you every step of the way. Go napalm some nazis.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Raya on Sat May 05, 2012 8:50 am

I think Spont has now earned more Man Points than the rest of the forum combined.

That's pretty awesome of you completing the Night of the Cables, damn straight you should be proud of it. Also agreeing with Ansem, you're now on everyone's zombie apocalypse team!

_________________
HG/SS Friends Code: 2364 8721 9695   B/W Friends Code: 2193 7770 9554   X/Y Friends Code:1805-2682-3033
"Foxes never lose their tricks, do they?" - Quaetman
"We'll be going about our business one day and then someone will be like "hm, where's Barda" and Raya will all suspiciously be like "WELL DON'T LOOK AT ME"..." - Rocket Admin Camilla
King Avalanche:
Spoiler:

FUCK YOU RAYA.

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

AND

FUUUUUUCKKKKK YOOOOOUUUUU

the one time I trust you with my back and you plant a dagger in it.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  roxas on Sat May 05, 2012 12:44 pm

Wait... there's a new Metroid game coming out?

Kidding. Keep it up man.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  TD260 on Sat May 05, 2012 1:45 pm




For you, spont.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

Post  Spontaneous Combustion on Fri Aug 24, 2012 5:30 pm

We had a pretty interesting battle training a few days ago. I thought you might want to hear.

"Define interesting", you say.

Fucking awesome, I answer.

Get this. The new batch of fresh conscripts arrived a month ago and I have been taking part in their training since then. Currently I am what you call a "sub-sergeant" in Finnish army. It means basically a squad leader and its closest equivalent in the US army would be corporal. This Thursday these fresh young fighters had battle training in defense and offense tactics using blank rounds. The whole company's mission was to attack a common enemy, take control of the enemies' home base and then defend said base from more enemy forces.

I am speaking of the company in third person because in this battle, I was not part of the company.

I was the enemy. I lead a group of medics in battle against the whole goddamn company.

That was not the fun part. The fun part is that because one of our staff sergeants is a war crazy nutjob in the best possible way, we didn't use assault rifles.



Meet Vera.
This is a KVKK 62, a Russian piece of shit machine gun from the Cold War which is half my weight, makes the worst possible sound when fired, is hard to carry and jams easily.
But during Thursday it was nevertheless my best friend. And fucking awesome.

Our squad of of eight men first took defense in top of a hill. The entire company attacked at a pretty fast pace from every direction. It's safe to say that if this had been a real battle, we could have destroyed at least twenty of them, but eight men against hundred usually doesn't end very well. So we took the logical option and retreated. The goal of this training was that the new conscripts would succeed in the takeover part. We didn't step in their way.

That's when the fun part came. After these fuckers had taken over our precious little hill, it was payback time. We gave them ten minutes to form defense lines and formed a plan. Five men would attack from the front and distract the enemy from the fun part.

The rest three of them, including me, did the fun part.

Carrying the fucking machine guns on our waist level like goddamn Rambo (we had ammo belts wrapped around our chests for fuck's sake) we basically walked through their back door. We murdered their back gate guard with simultaneous fire from three machine guns (the guy almost shat his pants) and kicked in the wooden gate.
Then came time for stupid over the top oneliners, as we went from foxhole to foxhole, murdering everyone. You'd be surprised that medicine and medical training lends itself to lots of bad puns ("You've got a disease, and the cure is MORE BULLET!"). It's actually pretty good that because of the gunfire, most of this was impossible to hear.

A machine gun is not an offensive weapon. It's heavy, hard to aim and meant to shoot from a safe position. It's meant for defense. You don't jump around crazily in slow motion carrying it and fire from the air.
Didn't stop us.

We killed the entire company with eight men. End result: I am full of bruises, my machine gun is so dirty that maintenance takes two and a half hours, our first lieutenant is laughing her ass off and all of my fellow squad leaders are giving me the finger from their sad little foxholes.

There are days when I don't completely hate this facility.

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Re: We all know where you've been, you military fairy

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