My (currently unnamed) script

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My (currently unnamed) script

Post  Vivienne Vex on Thu May 24, 2012 11:04 am

This is an idea I been playing around in my head for a very long time. been focusing on the modeling to this (see the art thread). This is the thing that will hopefully generate a community of some sorts and potentially giving me some sort of income to hold me off between game projects (Who knows, maybe this will be a long running thing that will take the place of working on games for a good while). Of course that is still far off, but that is my goal. Which is also one of the reasons I been focusing on this more than my other projects, copywrite and all that.

Since this is more or less a script for an animation on what happens there will be very little to no actual dialogue. It will mainly just be (for now) what is going on in the story. And because of that it is of course not going to be the best written story but this is more or less just to share some of the start, but please give your thoughts on the premiss and idea of the story so far. And remember, just like any beta/alpha this is not a representation of final product.

The story centers around 3 people

Bronze (the hero of the story)

Viero (One of the main reasons I changed to Hekatommy, to separate myself from the name as much as possible, though I know you guys will keep calling me by that name.)

And Kendall (Vieros sister)

Finally a quick rundown on the world they are in. It takes place in the future and most things are similar to this world, but with the added element of people gaining powers through birth. Their powers are based off of their parents and essentially their passion. Their power would be a mix of their passion of each of the parents. So say a programmer and a psychologist get together and have a kid. Their power would be along the lines of reprograming the human brain and make them do what you want willingly with varying degrees of success based on the person. But since that kind of couple almost never happens, it is a very rare power.

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A happy, carefree child at the age of 8 who goes by the name of Viero is living with his mother, father and sister, Kendall. Like many others they have been born with a power they gained through birth. Powers in this world are gained from the parents if their passion is strong enough it will slowly build up in them and there is a chance of it being given to the kid. In this case, their parents were an artist on their mothersí side and a cell biologist on their fathersí side. This combination gave them both the power of being able to create working objects at their whim.

One day while Viero and his parents were out at lunch, and Kendall at a friends house. He used his powers to give his parents a bundle of flowers as a thank you gift for taking him out with them. And with a power as rare as his it naturally drew a crow of people who wanted to see more of his power. Among one of them was a reporter who had wanted to do a story of this given the situation. When he asked if he could the parents had asked Viero if he would be fine with it, he nodded and the interview begin.

Once the interview was over the reporter and family went their own ways. But over the next few days the report on Viero started to garner attention, to the point where even the military took note of him. They thought of the possibilities someone like Viero could give them, a never ending supply of weapons and equipment for no cost at all.

With that the commander sent out to find Viero and his family. Once they have they tried to talk to the parents but naturally said no to the idea even after being offered several incentives such as free schooling for life and given a nice place to live. They leave annoyed, only to come back later in the dead of night.

The commander brings 3 other big guards in black suits and as quietly as possible, picks the lock and enters the house. They search for Vieros room and not that long in they find him and Kendall. But thinking only Viero had the ability they leave her be and go after Viero. One of them holds his mouth shut to prevent him from waking the others while another gives him a shoot that knocks him out.

With Viero being unconscious and everyone else still sound asleep, they quickly pick him up and walk him to the van.

(Insert them taking Viero to a military base, only dialogue going on here so I will fill it in later.)

They put Viero in an enclosed room while he is still knocked out with several toys, a TV and a small window on one of the walls with a sliding door right under it. Soon after, Viero wakes up and is deathly frighten by his new surroundings. When he awakes a voice on an intercom comes up and tells Viero that he is going to be playing some games with them. The commander appears on the other side of the window on top of it. Viero can only stare at the man through the window.

(Insert conditioning him into only doing what they tell him without Viero being absolutely terrified. I am still working on the fine details to this part so I will leave it blank for now. But basically he has to listen to them now or he freezes up, again a more detailed part will come up later)

By the age of 10, 2 years later, Viero hears of a group called Twilight Dragons from two guards. And for reasons unknown to Viero they become something of idols to him. Him hearing about them made him remember when his parents used to read him stories.

By the age of 12 the stories of TD became a reality. They break into the building Viero is being held and get the info they need relatively easy with one of their members, Kit (He holds that reprogramming ability I talked about at the top.)

The 7 figures stand in front of Vieros room and tell him what is happening. They try to convince him to join them and as Viero was going to say yes as he would do anything to want to be free of this place. He started to become terrified of disobeying his master. Now cowering back in the room. Yagwa, The master of TD now knows that the stories they heard of him being conditioned to this extent were true.

He signals to Kit and with that a very sharp pain ran through Vieros head for several second while he let out a horrible scream of pain. But once he felt it disappear, Yagwa apologizes, saying that it was needed, and asks him again if he wanted to come with us.

Still worried of the fear and pain, but remembering the stories he heard of them. Viero very slowly creeps out of the room without any worry whatsoever. Absolutely shocked, Viero stares at Yagwa admirably and without giving it a second thought he agrees and runs up to hug him. (Yagwa is around 18) He could not be happier that he is now free from this place, and it was all thanks to Yagwa.
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I could continue to add to this and I already have a lot down on paper. But I would like to hear what you guys think of the idea of the story so far.


Last edited by Hekatommy Riagon on Sun Jun 10, 2012 12:03 pm; edited 1 time in total

Vivienne Vex
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Re: My (currently unnamed) script

Post  Quaetam on Thu May 24, 2012 4:48 pm

Overall it seems good, I like the concept, especially the background idea of how powers are a result of genetic combinations and natural talents, which is a bit of a convention, but quite a good one, so it works. The big issues I have are as follows.

1) What is the plot here? You've given background info, but where's the conflict?

2) Along with this, what exactly is the Twilight Dragons group? What are their motivations, etc? Are they the villains? The heroes? A grey area? They have to be exceptionally powerful for their founder to have been age 16 or younger.

3) On the aforementioned power system, is it the parents' POWERS or the parents' TALENTS that cause powers to emerge? If it's talents, what is it that makes some develop powers? Luck, I assume?

4) Bronze is listed as the hero, but what is his relevance?

Most of these issues will probably be cleared up as you simply post more about this, elaborate, etc, but that's where I want to learn more at the moment.

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Re: My (currently unnamed) script

Post  Vivienne Vex on Fri May 25, 2012 6:37 am

1) The plot will come as I post more, so don't worry. This is just setting up and introducing the characters.

2) The Twilight Dragons are the band of villains in this, so bronze would not be in this part just yet. But I have a very nice plan for introducing Bronze. As for their motivation, that will probably come up in the next part if not then the next few. But I will be switching around some parts to allow better flow and understanding.

3)Think of it as a scale, the more natural talent the parent have, the more likely they are born with that power. And if said parent already has a power and not just talent then it gives it a nice boost in the chance of passing it along. But there is always a chance that it could fail and the kid could come out with nothing.

4) He will be introduced shortly. Depending on how long the parts are for Viero. But again, I may switch up the order since I can see it being a bit confusing.

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Re: My (currently unnamed) script

Post  Vivienne Vex on Sun Jun 10, 2012 12:01 pm

Very last bit to Vieros part.

Shortly after more men of the military enter the room, on sight of them Viero became frightend again and hid behind Yagwa. Yagwa gives them one warning to step aside knowing that they were no match for him. but as if they did not hear him the soilders opened fire upon them. Viero clenced his eyes, worried that his new friends were shot dead. He soon realizes that the bullets had stopped dead in their tracks in front Yagwa as he held up his hand. The shoilders in shock of seeing what had happened they turn on run, but not before Yagwa puts on a smurk and sends out a shock wave that sends the wave of bullets right back at them.

Hitting every last one of them, killing them before they hit the ground. Yagwa turns to Viero and apologizes that he had to see that right now and tells him he did it fr his safty. Naturally Viero is worried, but what was he to do. These were the people who came to rescue him.

(Insert scean of them breaking out, going to move onto Bronze now and this is where part 2 should have started.)

There is a town not that far from the military base Viero was held (name pending) that is home to a young inspiring solider who goes by the name of Bronze. Bronze is the weilder of both magic and sword capabilities which he uses to earn a bit of money for his family by doing magic tricks on the street corner. While he is not doing that he is practicing his skills with his father, a great warrior. And his mother, a great magician.

Bronze claims that he wants to go on a job (Bronze is the same age as Viero, 8 years old) to his parents who just smile and tell him that he is far too young to be able to hold their own on a normal job. And that he should train for a few more years before he attempts somethng so dangerous.

With a sad look, Bronze lets it go and heads on out to train more while he sees a helicoppter wiz by behind him. Usually they do not go so fast. He only takes a moment to think about it before turning his attention to the posts in front of him. He raises his right hand to send out sevral small balls that hit only 3 of the 6

With a sign his mother tells him that regardless of his correct posture it still takes practice to get a good aim and nothing else will survice for it. He moves onto using his sword.

He takes out sword and his mother casts a spell on the stakes to make them move. With a look of confusion his father tells him that he thinks he should move on up to moving targets now as enemies will always try to move out of the way, he tried to swing his sword but in his 10 attempts at hitting one he manages to only hit 4. His father tells him to keep at it and to not waffer in his training.


After some more traing, two friends a bit older than Bronze show up. A tough girl called Rin (beta name) age 11 and Cale (beta name) age 9. Walk by and notice that Bronze is training as normal. They talk about how they could get better with their power as well.

It goes through a introduction of what their powers are and what their parents do. Rins power is fire anthropomorphic transformation IE: A fire bird or fire fox and so on. And Cales power is building stuff, mainly weapons and robots. His parents were a combination of a mechanic and a AI programmer

Bronzes parents tell them for what it is worth that the are welcome to use their land to train on. They talk about training some more (most of this part is just talking and setting up the characters)

(Skip 2 years)

It reenters as all 3 of them are in Bronzes yard training with his parents. And it has paid off, Rin went from barely even manageing to change into the simplest of creatures. Now was turning into multiple kinds of flame creatures with relative ease. And Cale was building things at least twice as fast as he was with more praficintcy in what he makes. They comment that the training worked wonders. Bronzes parents suggest a sparing match between the 3 of them and they agree.

(Insert fight sequence)

Rin comes out the winner of the sparring match, Cale in 2nd and Bronze in 3rd

After Bronze gets up from his defeat his parents exclaim that they have been to easy on him after seeing him lose to people who put in less training than Bronze.

Next part up will be Kendals and then it will loop around like that.

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Re: My (currently unnamed) script

Post  Vivienne Vex on Tue Jun 12, 2012 8:36 am

Kendall, a young girl at the age of 12 had just woke up at 6 AM to find that her brother Viero, was not in his bed. Thinking he had already gone out into the living room, she heads out as well, but no sign of him anywhere in the house. She knew Viero liked to get up early, but usually he would just stay in the lving room or play with his creation magic on his bed. She heads outside to see if he is around, but nothing. Now she is getting frightened. She hurrys up to her parents room to tell them what is going on. As soon as they heard the news they jumped out of bed

They do a quick serch of the house and backyard with the same result as Kendall. The mom calls 911 while the dad speeds to the nearest naighboors in the car to try and see if they know anything. He pounds on the door until a man opens up, he asks him if he seen Viero, he says no and is shocked that he is missing and offers to help, they both set off and try to find anybody who might have any information on him.

All the while, Kendall watched this all happen as if it was in slow-mo, coming to tears with the realization that her brother, her only brother that she loved and shared the best moments of her life with. Was missing, and no one had any clue or idea where, or what might have happened to him. Her mother still on thr phone, comfirting Kendall as she herself is in tears, argueing, almost screaming at the operator for saying they have to wait 48 hours to file a missing person report. But ristraining herself as much as she could as to not upset Kendall even more.

She slams down the phone when the operator tells her there is nothing she could do untill the 48 hours. She is now hugging Kendall tightly, trying to wish that this never happened and for things to remain normal. She tries to confert Kendall, but she does not know what to say to Kendall to help calm her after finding her 2nd child missing.

But finally she asks Kendall if she wanted to come with her into town to help her father. All she can do is slowly nod. They get in and she creats a dozen photographs with his face on it with the words missing and their address. But in her current state, she messes up his face. She tries again and again, finally she gets it on the 4th attempt. They get into town, desperately trying to find any information to help, but time after time, nothing. No one had seen him at all that day. With Kendall handing a picture of him out to everyone that came across.

Hours pass, but nothing was found out. The faher comes acoss the mother and Kendall. Both of them look absolutly defeated and their moral was almost non existant. The father seeing this, he tries to talk to them, he tries anything he can think of to try to lift their spirits to help look for him. But everything was futile, it only made the mother more upset, even angry with the father.

The father tries to calm her down yet again, but it is met with yelling and tears. The father stops talking and sits down on the side walk, the look of a worried father is plastered all over his face. It does not take long before Kendall and the mother sits next to him. He hugs both of them tightly, kissing each of their heads. Not knowing what else they could do that they have already done, the mother finally calms down and agrees to head on back to the house.

2 years pass, each time they looked for him provided the same resaults, the moral of the father and mother was quickly dying at this point, they were losing hope day by day. Except for Kendall, who is now 14. She held onto her child hope. Trying to be as optimistic as possible to avoid facing the reality. It gets to the point where she starts to train her power in order to keep her mind off of it.

Relentlessly, day after day when she came home from school, she would do her home work. And immediatly start to train, as the weeks and months went on after she pick up training, she could see the difference between now and then. This only drive her to work harder at it, her parents would ask her if she is alright. She would say yes just to avoid talking about it, and go right outside to train more.

2 more years pass, she is now 16 and her powers have improved a lot. To the point where she believes she can hold her own out in the world. She wants to try and find what happened to Viero, she wants to now if he is even a life at this point for peace of mind. She becomes dead set on this and asks her parents about it. But with her only being 16, they obviously say no. A big fight breaks out between Kendall and the parents and she storms to her room. Thats when she gets the idea. The idea to create a copy of herself to fill in her place while she sneeks out.

And as expected, the training pays off and she is able to create a replica of herself, though it is like a new slate, her body is there. But her mind still needs to be programmed to act like Kendall and have her personality. Something that she was unable to do. But she did not have a hoice, this was her only way without just running away and causing more damage to her parents.

She talks to the copy a bit to see if she is able to talk and provide responces. And sure enough it can, with everything prepaired, she climbs out of the window and quiet as possible as her clone closes the window behind her. As she steals away into the night.

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Re: My (currently unnamed) script

Post  Vivienne Vex on Tue Jul 31, 2012 8:23 am

Part 4
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As they exit the military base, they are still meet with great resistance. Umong the many of them, a few stood out as capable fighters with their power. Yagwa, already sorry that he had to kill thoses guards in front of Viero did not want to have to make him watch it again on a much larger scale. And tells Ziro to take Viero back and not to let any one follow them.

Yagwa starts to show off some of his power to try and frighten the army away. But they foolishly stand their ground and retaliate. To this the Twilight Dragons all shot out ahead save for Yagwa, who simply stands behind to watch his children play.
(Insert the fight, I will just save fight choreography for when I actually make it.)

Yagwa, figuring that the military has had enough, calls them off. And tells every single member of the army there what they will do to them if they continue this fight. That even though the Twiight Dragons are outmatched, they are clearly not outmaned. This starts to scare many of them as they slowly backway. It is not long until the comander gives the orders to fall back for now. ANd with one last add-on to Yagwas speech, he claims that he would not want to rob Viero the pleasure of taking the life of the people who took his childhood and his family away from him.

And with they, they are gone. With one more member who looked up to and respected Yagwa. When they return to their base of operations. They finally get to the introductions. Yagwa sits Viero own in a nice chair in a colorful room. Trying to be as calming as possible after finding out what he has been through. As the others get together, he starts to name them off.

Kit, the person who removed the mental block from Vieros mind. His power is manipulating the human brain and reprogramming it, though there are limitations on what he can do. He is nothing to laugh at.

Pyre, He has comand of the dead, rather frightening even for me he tells Viero.

Eri, other wise known as "The Demonic Angel" He has a split of holy and demonic powers.

Phie, she is the stratagist of the group. Can calculate insainly fast on the battlefeild. Only complete randomness can throw her off.

Ziro, the physically brute, While he maybe normal size, he has a body that is build to perfection that has both speed and power.

Then there is Yagwa, with magic powers unlike anything Viero had ever seen, even in other people with magic as one of their power combinations.

Yagwas asks Viero if he could give a preview of his power, and without hesitation he whips up sevral random objects. Keys, pens, food, a bell and a multitude of other items.

Phine suggests that since he is inexperiensed in almost every aspect that he needs in order to thrive in the Twilight Dragons, and that he should start off with something easy. To see if he uis capable of getting things done. Yagwa remarks that that is an exelent idea to get Viero warmed up for future assingments. After thinking it over real quick. Yagwa is reminded of a ring that Yagwa put a order in for and it has arrived recently. In a town called Ivaal to the north of here and that he will be heading there alone to see how capable Viero is.

Yagwa explains the reason he is going alone as to see how he works individually. After yagwa tells Viero all the details he needs to know. That it is being held at Enchanted Metal near the center of town. accepts it enthusiasticly and jumps out of his chair. But Yagwa catches him before he can head out the door, and tells him for this he does not want him to use any sort of transportation and no creating food items as that would defeat the reasons for this. He throws Viero a bag of gold and points to the kitchen. Telling him to stock up on food. Finally that there is a town almost at the midway point where he will be able to restock. When Viero was all stocked up and out of the room, Yagwa Tells Ziro to follow Viero to keep an eye on him. And not to show yourself unless absolutly nessisary in case he runs into any danger he can not get out of on his own.

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